I've been a believer for as long as I can remember. My Dad was the worship leader at a church in Wisconsin, and my earliest memories are of my brothers and I playing Mother May I, and Red Light, Green Light in the church lobby, waiting for everybody to leave. I was a shy girl. I didn't like to talk to people, and strangers were my
biggest fear. And I stayed that way for a long time.
We moved to Colorado when I was five years old. I don't remember much of the first years we lived here, except for a few things like my first day in Awana as a Sparky, getting our first dog (our beautiful golden retriever-border collie mix), Shadow, and of course, moving into our Falcon house.
Life went on pretty smoothly until I was about 12 years old, when my parents separated. It was then when I started not to portray any feelings whatsoever towards circumstances that would have otherwise made me feel angry, or upset, or uncomfortable. I just slapped a smile on my face and told myself that it would all be fine. Which, is fine, to an extent. I think if I didn't push my feelings down the way I did when I didn't want to respond, I wouldn't be able to feel the way I do about things now. It wasn't until I reached high school that I started really relying on God for everything. Slowly, I let my emotions show. I learned that it was okay to be upset about things, just so long as I didn't hold onto the anger or spite so long that it became a part of me. In my sophomore and junior years, I went through periods of depression or melancholiness, mostly because I felt like I had a ton of weight on my shoulders.
My parents divorced soon after my 16th birthday. After that, I felt like it was my job to fix everything, and it was hard. I felt like Jesus had stepped out of my life, but I think that's what happens in a lot of Christian walks when the road get more bumpy than we're used to. It took much prayer, many talks with friends, mentors, and small groups, but I started to not be the shy, happy-go-lucky girl that I was so used to being. I became confident, more relaxed, and just a generally happy person (and not because I felt like I needed to be happy, but because I didn't have any reason to be upset.)
I can't say how or exactly when it happened, but I know in this past year, I have found so much joy in Jesus. He's inside me, and He makes me the perky, quirky sort of girl that I am. I have more peace than I've ever had before in my life. One of my friends, a great teacher, said that something like this peace doesn't mean the absence of struggle; it's the presence of victory in spite of the struggle. And, it's so true. I won't pretend that I don't have struggles. I can name many. It's just that I know that I can conquer those struggles with Jesus at my side.
And that's my testimony. It's very abridged, but it gets my point across, I think. Maybe next week I'll be able to write something more than my life story, but in the mean time-
Be Bold. Be Blessed. Be Bodacious.
~Ana
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