I survived.
I know, I know, giving cash money to homeless people (particularly younger homeless people) brings forth the argument that they will only spend the money on weed or booze, but I don't think this was the case.
I am normally the kind of person who shies away from homeless people. Or people who even look like they're from the ghetto. I just don't like being in situations where I feel uncomfortable. God has been stretching me in this area, I feel. And it all started at the end of last semester-during finals week.
I was at Starbucks, studying for a New Testament exam. I had my headphones on and was quite engulfed in my work, when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I hastily took one of my headphones out and turned around to face the culprit who had invaded my personal bubble- - only to face a toothless old man wearing an old, brown and stained pullover sweatshirt. I was shocked, and my face proved it.
"How can I help you, sir?" I asked civilly, yet my thoughts were dear God, please make him go away. I was surprised by the old man's answer.
"I know Jesus, too!" He said quite excitedly, his three front teeth grinning.
"Oh, wow, that's great!" I responded. I was still a little unsure of this guy, but at least I knew that he wasn't out to hurt me or take my purse.
"I know Jesus, too. I've known Him for a long time. He's what get me through the days and nights."
I was so dumbfounded as to how he knew that I was a Christian. There wasn't anything particular about my appearance that day to suggest that I go to a Christian school or that I attended church. I'm actually quite certain that it was a Sunday morning, and I wasn't at church, so how did he- - Oh, wait. My laptop was open to a powerpoint that showed verses and pictures following Jesus' life. The one slide that was open at the moment was Jesus on the cross.
The old man continued with his story, pouring out all the Jesus moments that he had encountered. He also told me that I reminded him of his daughter-in-law, how she was quiet, yet knowledgeable about the gospel.
All the while, though, I was uncomfortable. The man's stories were wonderful, to be sure, but, put bluntly, he had no perception of personal space. Stuck on the chair, I was not able to move when he got closer as his excitement grew. I was not able to see, until after he left and I continued studying that I could see that God wanted me to see that He has people everywhere. We Christians are not just a group of church-goers, worship hipsters, and hypocritical do-gooders. We are the unlikely evangelizers living on the streets, the radicals, the misfits. This encounter showed me that even if I did not have the common luxuries of life, like, say, a bed, I would still be able to spread God's message with a smile on my face and approach my brothers and sisters in Christ with ease.
Moving on to my most recent encounter with uncomfortable situations--
It was a cold Tuesday night. I had just finished work and was headed back to my dorm. There's a stoplight before the on-ramp to the freeway, and as I approached, I saw I figure with a cardboard sign that read Anything Helps in bold, dark, handwriting. Force of habit, I locked my car doors before I came to a stop. Right as I came to the light, I looked at my purse in the passenger seat. I could almost hear God say, "Get your wallet out." I hesitated. The light would turn green soon and I could leave this stranger (danger) in the dust. Almost against my will, though, my hand reached for the purse.
I can spare a $5 bill. I thought, as I pulled my wallet out. I opened it to see what was inside...then the light turned green. Craaaaap. I had a $50 bill and a $10 bill. Nothing smaller.
The figure, seeing that I had not gone at the green light, was walking over to my car. Crap, crap, craaaap. Why did I think this? The only reason I can think of is that I was dead-selfish. I honestly thought that I could not go without $10. I was saving money for school, right? I need every cent I can find!
The rest of the story is that I hesitantly grabbed that $10 bill, rolled down my window two inches, and slipped the man the money.
"God bless you, miss!" He said, overjoyed. I barely heard it as I rolled up my window and sped to the on-ramp.
I had done a good thing. So why in the world did I feel the urge to turn around and politely ask for the $10 back? What is so important to me that I can't spare a measly $10 for someone in need?
I am a selfish brat, that's why.
Honestly, this can be a metaphor for my relationship with God. I see Him from a distance, saying that he wants something from me. Anything Helps. Seeing Him, I panic. I don't want Him to see what's been going on in my mind. I don't want to open up to him. So I give Him a friendly smile, and wave, then turn away. Then something urges me to give a little bit. A prayer for peace, perhaps. Or even a Bible verse. But He says no. He demands time with me. He gives me the option of a little or a lot, but I choose the little. Why? Because I'm selfish. I don't want to give more time to Him, because that takes time away from me. I'm obviously more important. He can see that, right?
I don't know where or how that $10 bill was used. But I am convinced that it went to good use. I know that God used it for His purpose. And I can, after all, live without $10 in my pocket.
This is a problem that I'm still working on. I don't want to be selfish.
I want to be able to trust God's plan for my life and be able to share
Him with strangers as well as friends. I want to be able to give to the
less fortunate, and not feel the compelling need to keep some things for
myself. I want to spend time with Him because I want to spend time with Him. Not because I feel obligated to.
That's all. Thanks for reading my musings.
Be bold. Be blessed. Be bodacious.
~Ana
